Running, etc.

Dear Calvin,

I will never forget the moment when I first wanted to meet you. One night I had a dream that I was in my old apartment with a little brownish-blonde haired little boy. I was not living there anymore, but for some reason I was helping show it to a new tenant. There you were, pulling yourself up to stand next to the furniture, with those little legs that were getting stronger every second. Your name was Calvin Scott Nordmeyer. In another dream, we had friends in our apartment for a party. You were about 8 or 9 months old, and I was sitting on our bed breastfeeding you. Your eyes were half closed as you drifted off to sleep. It was so real.

Several weeks later, after purposefully skipping my birth control pills, your dad and I were driving to Old Chicago to meet up with your Uncle Brian and Aunt Jes for dinner. I had been thinking about you that whole time, riding in your dad’s big red truck. While we were stopped at a red light, the words just came spilling out. “Honey, I want to have a baby and I want a boy so we can name him Calvin.”

Your dad was quiet for a few seconds. He said, “You’d want to name him after my dad?”

“Yes, and I haven’t been taking my pills for the past few days so I just thought you should know, that’s what I want.” Your dad smiled.

I started running. I ran a quarter mile and felt like I would pass out, but I kept going. I ran a mile. Two miles. I ran/walked a 5k. It was so hard. Every month, I wondered if this would be the month when you were on your way. Every month, I was a little sad when I learned that you weren’t here yet. I kept running. I took a running class and ran a 5k without stopping. You weren’t here. I went on a weekend trip to California to visit your Aunt Caren. We saw Yosemite, and it was so beautiful. I told her about you and how I hoped we would get to meet you soon. I took another running class and ran a 10k without stopping. I was slow, but I finished. The next week, I ran a 15k without stopping. It took me just under two hours. There were only two people behind me, and they had walked most of the race. I was exhausted. It was a Sunday.

The next Tuesday, I had lunch with my friend Amy and her son Vincent. We sat down and she just looked at me and said “guess what!”

I smiled back at her and also said “guess what!” Somehow, when she told me that Jonah was coming, I just knew you were coming too. I had a good feeling. That evening, we went to an alumni event at Union College, and I saw my friend Kim there. She was 4 months pregnant and glowing. I wanted to tell her about you so bad, but we had no confirmation that you were there. We got home and took our dog Bridget for a walk. My hands were shaking. My mind was full of you.

I took a pregnancy test, and I’ll never forget how happy I was to see two pink lines! You were coming! You physically existed! I ran out to the living room and told your dad. He didn’t seem to care, and my feelings were hurt. He turned to me, gave me a kiss and said “I’m happy for you, but I’m not going to believe it until you get a test from the doctor. These home tests aren’t always right.” But I knew it was right.

Two days later, a visit to the doctor’s office confirmed that you would be here on the 24^th of June. You had been in there 6 weeks already! When I told your dad that the doctor had confirmed your presence, his eyes sparkled. We called your grandparents, aunts, and uncles. We scheduled a photo shoot at a photography studio, so that our Christmas card would announce that you were coming.

I obviously wanted you to be a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I do love little girls and maybe someday you will have a little sister. But this time, I wanted YOU. I wanted that little boy from my dreams. It had to be you, specifically you.

At night I would rub my belly and tell you how much I love you. Bridget would lay next to me and sometimes rest her head on my belly. Our cat Daphne started to jump on the bathroom counter every morning to nuzzle my belly with her head. Never doubt that pets know what’s going on. The first time I felt you move, it was like an involuntary muscle twitch in my side. It surprised me, but it was you. It was a good feeling. I was excited to start wearing maternity pants, and when I talked to you, I always said “he.” I just knew.

Finally, after you had been in there about 20 weeks, it was the day of our ultrasound. February 7, 2012. I was so nervous. As your dad drove us to the doctor’s office, I said “I’m nervous. What if it’s a girl and I’m disappointed? I know I’ll love her, but…”

What a morning of sweaty palms and nerves. I could have cried. When I met the ultrasound technician, she asked me, “Are we learning the gender today?”

I said, “Yes. And I just want to go on record that it’s boy. In all of my dreams, he’s a boy and never a girl.”

I laid on the table, and she squirted goop on my belly. I saw your foot, your head, all four chambers of your heart. You are amazing. You wouldn’t stay still either. You were swimming from side to side, not showing us what I was wanting to see. Then you did a somersault. “Well, your dreams have come true,” the technician said. “You are having a little boy.”

I was so excited that I screamed “YES!” Then I started laughing and couldn’t stop for a while. Your dad smiled. My heart was so warm. We watched you move around some more. The technician looked carefully to make sure you were in good shape and that you had everything you needed. Everything was perfect. You were a lot bigger than all the pregnancy websites said you would be. As we left, the technician congratulated us again on our little boy.

I started to cry a little when I looked at her and said “his name is Calvin.”

“Well, see you later Calvin!” she said. It was so fun to call everyone and say that we were going to have a little boy. Your dad wanted to keep your name secret, although we told both of your grandmothers. He wanted your name to be a special surprise for after you were born.

That night, your dad took me to look at a house that he had looked at before. It looked small on the outside, but it had potential. It had a decent sized living room, and a sky light. The carpet was new, and the paint was all neutral shades of beige with white trim. It was pretty. There was a laundry chute in the bathroom. The master bedroom looked small, but maybe our furniture would fit in there. Then I walked into your room. The walls were already painted blue. We had just confirmed that morning that you were a boy, and here I stood in a bedroom with blue walls, when the rest of the house was painted beige. This was just meant to be our house. We toured the basement, and I knew we were home. We wrote an offer that night. Dad sold his jetski and we used the money as a down payment. We moved in on April 1, 2012.

Grandpa Ashcraft drove out to see us, and he brought Jack to come live with us! Daphne went to live with Grandma and Grandpa in Florida since she and Jack didn’t get along very well. I was sad to see her go, but I knew that this was best for everyone. Your dad learned how to put up a chain link fence, and he taught Bridget and Jack to go straight to the back yard when he opened the door. Bridget is Jack’s mom. Sometime I’ll tell you about how we got Bridget.

A few weeks later, Grandma Ashcraft came to see us. We were having a baby shower at our house, and you got lots of presents. I’m pretty sure that Grandma told one of her friends your name, because one gift was a Calvin Klein outfit (a few months later, you wore it the first time you went to Sabbath School). It was so cute.

My belly got big. Lots of people asked me if I was having twins. No, just one boy! You kept growing, and you were so healthy. I didn’t want to stop being pregnant. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see your face, but as long as I was pregnant, I knew where you were, how you were doing, and you were safe and warm. I loved to watch you move. During the last few weeks, I feel your feet, elbows, head, and rear end. You stuck your tush out at the doctor a few times. That was always a good laugh.

One night we had a big thunder storm. Jack was crying in the living room, so I went to go sit with him. The thunder was loud, and because the living room has a sky light, each lightning strike made the room very bright. And every time the lightning struck, you jumped! I know it was the light and not the thunder, because you got still after I put a heavy blanket over my belly.

Your due date came and went. Towards the end of June, I started to hope that you would be born in July, so that we could have the same birthday month. My doctor asked if I would like to schedule something for the last week in June – we could induce labor. I didn’t want to do that, I wanted you to come when it was your time. I asked if I could let you stay in just one more week. She agreed, but said that the latest we should go is July 3. After that, you really needed to come out. Ok. We decided that if you did not come out before July 3, we would go to the hospital and induce labor.

I stayed up very late on June 30. I watched the clock turn from 11:59 to 12:00. July baby! Yes! Every day I went to work, people were surprised that you still had not come out. I informed them that you were comfortable, you loved your mommy, and you would come out when you were good and ready.

Grandpa came out to stay with Bridget and Jack when we went to the hospital. I left work early on July 2 and went to the grocery store. I bought a pint of fresh raspberries. I’d heard somewhere that raspberries helped start labor. I ate them all and went to bed early. Squirmy little you still did not come out.

We got up early on July 3. Before we left for the hospital, I asked your dad to take one more picture of me so we would remember my big pregnant belly. I looked scared. I was scared of the pain of childbirth and scared that I wouldn’t be a good mom. I was scared that you wouldn’t like me or that something bad would happen to you. We drove to the hospital and got there around 6:30. I waddled up to the nurse’s station, patted my belly, and said “We’re here to serve an eviction notice.”

By 7 that morning, I was checked in to my room and they had given me medicine to help you come out. The contractions really hurt. I tried sitting on a big bouncy ball and taking walks down the hall. I even tried standing on my hands and knees on the bed to see if you would move down. It might have helped, but just a little. The doctor came at lunch time to break my water. You were staying put. Everything hurt, but your dad was there with me all day holding my hand and playing Jimmy Buffett music for me. Your dad is awesome. Around 5:30 in the evening, I remember saying to the nurse “I just don’t know if I have the energy for any more pain. I’m exhausted.” She asked if I would like an epidural. Woah, I had forgotten all about those. “Yes! I can have one now?” Another doctor came up and installed my epidural. The pain disappeared. I slept for 2 hours. You still would not come out. We wanted you to be born before midnight so that your birthday would not be a major holiday. Midnight came. I turned to your dad and said “sorry honey, I couldn’t get this done. His birthday is going to have to be the fourth of July.” Your dad told me it was ok.

Late that night, we started making progress. I pushed and pushed. I reached down and was able to touch your head. You had a lot of hair. Still, you couldn’t get out. The doctor came and told us that your heart rate was starting to drop every time my body tried to squeeze you out. That’s not good. She said “We could have you push and push for hours, but that baby just isn’t going to come. We’re going to have to do a c-section. I’m so sorry.”

“If that’s what we’ve got to do, let’s do it,” I said.

They wheeled me in to an operating room. Your dad had to put on a pair of blue scrubs. They hung a curtain right around my chest, so that I wouldn’t see them cut me open. I remember thinking “In a few seconds, I won’t be pregnant anymore, this is it!” I could feel someone push your head back up inside of me. I saw some white smoke. I knew they had cut me open and they had cauterized my blood vessels so that I wouldn’t bleed all over the place. Then I heard you cry. “Yep, it’s a boy,” the doctor said. “boy!” one of the nurses said. I heard the doctor say “let’s call it 3:18 a.m.”

“He’s big!” someone said. The doctor replied, “Wow, that’s no 8 pound baby! Get that baby on a scale!” Someone said “ten pounds, 6 ounces.” The doctor said, “That can’t be right, check again.” The nurse repeated “ten pounds, 6 ounces!” You were 22 inches long.

I wasn’t allowed to hold you yet, because you had dropped a deuce before they could pull you out. So they had to clean my insides and make sure your eyes and airways were ok. There was nothing wrong with your airways. Your lungs worked so well and you were good at making noise! The doctor told me that even when she pulled you out of me, your eyes were wide open and you were looking around at everyone. You were very aware of your surroundings. Your dad stood by your little crib. He took pictures. A nurse volunteered to hold the camera and take pictures of you and dad. Dad called you by your name. He told me that you were cute and that you didn’t have any weird birth marks. You had ten fingers and ten toes. You were perfect.

After several minutes, a nurse brought you over to me and laid you on my chest. We locked eyes. I kissed your little baby lips. I told you happy birthday and that I love you. The nurse took you back, put you in your little crib-on-wheels, and moved you to the recovery room. They were bringing me in right behind you. The medicine from surgery made me throw up, and someone ran to me with a much needed bucket.

In the recovery room, they put me on a bed and gave you back to me. You took to breastfeeding like it was the most natural thing in the world. You were hungry! The nurse came and got you, because she wanted to get a diaper on you. As she picked you up, we locked eyes again. You smiled at me! I know that it was just a muscle reflex, but you smiled at me. You were quiet and ready for a nap.

I was taken to a private room in a different part of the hospital. Dad and the nurses were bringing you right behind me. When you got to our room, your dad laughed and told me that you pooped on the nurse before she could get a diaper on you. A nurse brought a baby bathtub and showed us how to give you a bath. I didn’t sleep much that morning, because I was so excited to be able to look at you, hold your hand, and kiss your little cheeks.

Later that day, Grandma Barb and Grandpa Bill came to see you. Grandpa Ashcraft came, then Aunt Rosie and Katie. You had lots of visitors that day! I kept telling you happy birthday and we sang the birthday song a few times. Grandpa Ashcraft went to the store and bought little American flags to decorate your bed. You wore little socks with fireworks on them. Later that night, we saw big fireworks out of our window.

I learned so much about you in those first few days. I learned to recognize how the sound of your cry was different from the sounds that other babies made. I learned that putting Chap Stick on newborn lips made breast feeding difficult. Your dad insisted that I let you spend some time in the nursery with the other babies so that I could take naps. I needed the sleep but I wanted you in my arms as soon as I was awake.

When you were one day old, someone came to take professional pictures of you. You did good. Then, sorry kiddo, you were circumcised. You got through it like a champ, but your dad looked like he was going to pass out. One of the nurses noticed this and brought him some lemonade. Grandma Ashcraft met you on July 6. She was so happy to meet you.

We finally got to go home on July 7. I was a little sad to leave the hospital because the nurses had taken such good care of us. Jack and Bridget thought you were very interesting. We laid you on a blanket on the floor, and Jack laid down right next to you. Great grandma and Grandpa Radford (Grandma Barb’s mom and dad) came to see you, and so did uncle Marc and his family. Grandpa had to fly home on Sunday, but Grandma was staying with us for two weeks. Grandma Barb and Grandpa Bill came over several times.

I got to stay home with you for eight short weeks. You grew so big. You ate well, and you were a wonderful little snuggly boy. I cried and cried the day I had to go back to work. I was so sad that I couldn’t stay home with you forever. Auntie Di was happy to have you at her house though! It got easier every day, leaving you with someone else. It would have been much harder if it wasn’t someone who I knew and trusted.

You grew incredibly fast. Before we knew it, it was Halloween and you were wearing your little Ewok costume. Grandma and Grandpa Ashcraft came to visit for Christmas. Grandma made your Hobbes for you. A few days after Christmas, you sat up on your own. You were 6 months old, and it was time for you to start sleeping in your own crib. Until then, you had a little bed next to our big bed. It was hard having you so far away, but we all got used to it. Bridget started sleeping on your bedroom floor at night.

Your teeth started coming in. Oh, how I wished I could take your pain away! I bought you an amber teething necklace that seemed to help, and as an added bonus, it made you look like a hippie surfer boy. You took your first step on May 9, 2013. You walked towards me and fell into my arms. I was so proud. No one would believe me when I told them that you walked, until they saw you do it with their own eyes.

By your first birthday you had 7 teeth. You were walking and running like a toddler now! We had a little party at our house, and you covered yourself in cake. That summer, we spent lots of time outside. We bought you a little swimming pool and a water table. Your favorite thing was to fill your bucket with pool water and pour it out on the driveway. I kept the hose out so that I could refill your pool. You had the best giggle! We went to a few of your cousins’ baseball and soccer games. You liked walking around and looking at people.

For Halloween, you had a cow costume that you wore to an indoor party. It was so cute. We dressed you in a pumpkin costume for outdoor activities, since this costume didn’t have cloth feet. I took you trick ‘r treating. You didn’t want to carry candy in your bucket, so after visiting a house, you would empty your bucket into my bag.

Christmas was a blast. Every morning in December, we were visited by an elf named Gregory, who came to check up on you. We found him in the craziest places! One morning, Gregory did not come back because it was Christmas. Your favorite present was a Spiderman ball that lights up when you bounce it. Great grandma Lewis (Grandma Ashcraft’s mom) sent it to you. You also received a nice big kitchen, where you started pretending to cook meals just like we see on TV. I call it Kitchen Stadium.

You’re a really good dancer. When it was too cold to play outside, we turn music on and have dance parties in the living room. I hope you never stop dancing. You should always dance when you’re in an appropriate place. It’s good for your soul.

Your first words, other than “mommy” and “dada” were “tick tock, tick tock!” Days before you turned 18 months, you said your first sentence “This is mine.” That same day, after feeding Auntie Di’s bird, you said “Got my nut!” I have a feeling that you’re going to like to talk. I hope you always talk to me about your dreams and your feelings. I promise to listen and not to judge you.

At 19 months, our bedtime routine included a Bible story, reading a book called Lost Little Larry, and saying prayers. You sleep better on the nights when we pray for you to fall asleep quickly and to sleep all night. I love how you say “Amen!” after prayer time. I try to make sure your teeth are brushed every night and every morning. Sometimes we forget and I’m sorry about that. You have a great smile. I love the way your eyes sparkle when you’re happy. You get that from your dad.

I can tell how much you love Grandma and Grandpa Radford. They love you too. You brighten their hearts when we go visit. They love to watch you dance around when they play polka music. Grandma always has a cookie for you. Grandpa always has a tickle for your ribs. Grandpa says “Boy, he has a hearty laugh!” And he’s right! You have the best laugh I’ve ever heard. You liked it when Grandma gave you rides on her new lift chair. You even got to push the buttons!

One Sunday afternoon (2-9-14) you were in your high chair eating lunch. Jack wandered in to the kitchen, obviously hoping you would drop some food. You pointed at him, giggled, and said “oh, that dog!” You really like animals and they like you too. You get that from me.

I love you so much Calvin. There’s nothing in the world that’s better than being your mommy. I’d do anything for you. I’d die for you. And that love is nothing compared to the love God has for you. Never forget that.

Love,

Mom

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